Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Susan Boyle needs to get out of my face

I have held my tongue long enough, but this has gone too far. Susan Boyle has made an appearance on my beloved Dancing with the Stars and I can't hold it in any longer.


Her voice is like..good..but um..she is not Celine Dion. The only reason anyone cares is because she looks like a creech? What is the problem here? I feel like instead of praising this woman for her pipes we are actually just embarrassing ourselves and our culture for only assuming good looking people can sing?

You can have your 15 minutes Susan, just stay away from DWTS. Seriously.

"The Nutcracker on horseback"


I have recently discovered a theatre in town called "Noble Horse Theatre". I didn't think much of it, until I saw a poster advertising the winter show of "The Nutcracker on horseback". For those of you who do not know, I am not a lover of all of god's creatures. I'm sorry sarah mclachlan, but I'm just not.
Horses..are something I fear, and dread, and could happily live without ever seeing face to face. The idea of there being an entire THEATRE dedicated to performing plays, ON THEM...honestly makes me break out into hives. WHY! seriously...WHY IS THIS A THING?

Hey there, what can I get for you tonight? We have a special on paper clips, and also the post it notes are half off.

So, sitting at a reception desk and being a friendly face that people do not know that well, but are getting comfortable with, which pretty much makes me the office bartender. The employees of this place come up to my desk several times during the day to make a lame joke, to vent to me about something, to "flirt" with me, or even just make small talk while they wait for the bathroom key. A woman even told me I was a "great listener" as if I had some choice in the matter? I'm stuck at the fuckin desk!

The head of this company does not ever interact with me. He is a busy man, and I don't mind. However...on Monday he sauntered up to my desk,leaned on the top and looked dead into my eyes and said "How would you like it if your boyfriend said this to you..." then he tried to be cool, made some weird hand movements and said something in Italian. "Sure, I said. That would be wonderful" Although in truth, If I had a boyfriend who randomly erupted in Italian, I would roll my eyes and tell him to save it. ANYWAYS he then says "you wanna know what it means?" to which I play along.."Yes?" He holds back his smirk and says "Those shoes are not mine". Then he walks away from my desk, never to be seen for the rest of the day.

I have no Internet, I don't like Sudoku and no one wants me to do any work besides answer the phone, and smile when they walk by. I have been filling my days with my beloved 'People' magazine which I read cover to cover, in a very specific three round process, and a new Chuck Klosterman book that makes me confident that the world is OK. They are paying me to do these things.

There is a whole foods right around the corner which is a gift from god. I don't think I can express via written word my love for whole foods and the person I want to be when I walk in those doors. I imagine this is what some people feel when they go to church.

I am off today, applying for jobs I will never hear from and doing laundry which I will hear..from..what? I don't know.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Dunder Mifflin this is Pam...WHERE IS JIM?

Ok, my first full day at the mortgage bank (still don't know what they do there) is over. Since I had no Internet, I had to make bullet pointed notes on a post it, from which I will try to make a blog entry. Also you should know that I just sneezed and my crest white strip went flying out of my mouth across the room.

*There is a woman in the office named Karen who is called "The Closer". Every time she walks by me, I pray I find the courage to ask her "So...are you stoked they decided to cast Kyra Sedgewick to play you on tv?

*A dream boat supreme came in the office for a meeting today. He was huge and sounded just like puddy from Seinfeld. I thought about high fiving him, but held my arm down and went with "Mornin.."

*They bathroom keys are attached to like 10 pound wooden logs you have to take with you to use the rest room. The men's key was missing for like 2 hours. One man stood in front of my desk for 27 minutes waiting...another man chose to take a magazine from the waiting area table and straight up leave the building. Later in the afternoon the boss used his own personal key (that because he makes the big bucks) and came back with the wooden log..and NO KEY! le gasp! I will crack this case tomorrow.

*SUELEN is the office manager. SUELEN is about 55. Today she was wearing green leggings, a mini jean skirt and black chuck taylors. She is rude and snippy with me. "But Suelen, you're don't wear a bra...we hate each other!" (second Seinfeld reference. go with it)

*Some lady brought in a tub of dumb cookies. The boss came up to my ear and joke he whispered in my ear "can you please make a sign that says 'use the tongs to get a cookie. do not touch with your hand' and put it on the jar? thanks". I made the sign and put it on the jar than worried for a half hour that "tongs" might be one of those weird words and it was really spelled "thongs" and everyone would think I was retarded. I didn't even get a cookie.

*They say the word "Appraisal" all the time, it to always sounds like "bagel"

*On my lunch break I went to Walgreen's to buy a Sudoku book to try to keep busy and sharpen my ol' noggin. Turns out I don't like that puzzle anymore and find it lame and boring. Or I just got dumber since college.

*Lastly...the miracle whip DID make for a really..and truly...jazzy sandwich.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Back on the Temp Train!

I am working this week for a private bank mortgage company. ( don't really know what that means).
I will be taking over for a lovely woman named Debbie who has a beard, and wears very ill fitting, sensible clothing. She was about 5'2 with orange puffy hair and sounded like a character from "Bill Swerski's Super Fans" on SNL.

I had my training with her this morning and excitedly asked "so you are going on vacation?"
To which debbie replied "nooo i'm havin my 5th knee surgery, I ain't tellin no body what im doin, not like they care any how"
"Oh!" I muttered..."at least you won't get sun burned!"

So I will be playing Pam Beesly all week in an office where they BLOCK THE INTERNET.
Other than answer the phone...I have no freaking idea what I am going to do all day. Blog...on paper? What is this 1846? How many "to do" lists can I make? Can I knit?

To get excited for my day, I decided to pack a lunch, which includes Baked Cheetos and a sandwich with Miracle Whip..which I bought with the goal of having a more jazzy sandwich.

Look out world. I'm here.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I am so sorry for being MIA for a little chunk there. I came down with a deathly cold that made communication with the world low on my priority list...but I am healthy again!

I made Tofu for the first time
I finally came up with a Halloween costume: Poison Ivy (from Batman)'s socially akward, rude, and dumb cousin Poison OAK!
I still don't have a job
I went to a pumpkin farm and saw pig races!

I am currently sitting in a coffee house/cafe/young people with lap tops kind of joint.
I like to pretend im working on my novel while I pathetically send my resume out to postings on internet job sites.

It was like a sign from above letting me know everything is going to be ok!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Sign me up!

This morning I had an interview with my temp agency for a temp to hire executive assistant position. It's with some hedge fund something or other working directly for the CEO who apparently is something of a tough cookie.

The reason that the position is available is because the girl who had the position previously crumbled, cried, and left.

Oh pretty please hire me!
It will be like..."The Devil wears..Jos. A. Bank!"